The Lies We Tell

First off. 

I have hit 1000 views. Wooooot :)

Hi readers sorry it has been so long. I want to say I was busy but I wasn't, I'm just very lazy.

I have just realized that recently I have been telling some lies to the people I love.

I have told my surrogate mother (my best friend’s mum who adopted me) and my best friend Diana that I have put on a kilo and that my eating disorder is getting better.

Well little do they know that I have just hit 59kg and the other day I saw a 58 on the scale.

They are under the impression I am now 61kg.

I’ve told them this so they wouldn't worry about me. As far as they know I am putting methods in place to gain weight and I no longer purge and all I do is sit around and binge on diet chocolate mousse. (That part is true)

But in reality I try and stay less than 500 calories for the day, if I eat something that makes me feel full or if it’s over 150 calories I will almost surely purge it.

And really they don’t have anything to worry about. I don't look like I'm fading away, there's still meat on my bones.

If anything i might end up looking like Pink. Big shoulders, Flat chest, not a very well defined waist.

Awww Yeah. *sigh* i guess that's the best I can hope for 

I have also told my therapist the same thing, God knows why!

It’s so stupid; I pay the bitch $150 an hour so I can lie to her about my E.D recovery?

Epic money fails.

I’m not a child; if I'm honest with her what is she going to do, tell my mum and dad?

My Mum would just call me and tell me I'm being silly. And my Dad either wouldn't believe her or ignore it. Just like he did when I lost 15kg to impress him when I visited around Christmas time and he didn't say a thing.

Also a little while ago I told my friends mum I want to work as a receptionist in a brothel for a second job and some extra money.

She was fine when I talked to her on the phone about it but the next day she did a back flip and told me it was a huge mistake.

So this Thursday I will be going to a strip club to have a try out as a stripper, the hours are good and so is the pay.

I just have to think of excuses for what I will be doing two nights a week till 4am.

Well I am known for being bad at texting, so if someone tries to contact me I can just get back to them a few hours later and be like "oh sorry I was sleeping" or "Hey sorry I missed you I was watching a movie"

I really wish I didn't have to lie to people, I know if I confide in my best friend Diana she will tell her mum and then her mum will yell at me.

I told my sister and she is cool with it, and I know she won’t tell anyone, and also she lives in a different state.

I just don't know what to do.

And also i have to think of a stripper name. (What fun)

I have come up with a few names, I was thinking If I pick a name that's sweet the clients won't expect me to be too exotic.

Taffy

Peaches

Cherry

Rose 

Violet

Belle (after my most beloved tv show Secret diary of a London call girl)

I like her because she looks a little like me. 

You know with the small boobs and the big torso and blonde hair with big lips.

I want to keep the name to one syllable, It makes it easy to remember. 

Maybe Belle would be good for me, seeing as i would model myself after her, and i know all her tricks. "i can get ready for a client in my sleep, they like big hair, big breasts, and a big smile"

Maybe i can fake it till i make it.

Mwahxx

The only issue would be "hair removal" after my trip to the waxer on Thursday I swear that once i heal and grow back i will never do that again it's going to be lazier hair removal from now on.

Let me explain.

I had an hour to kill before I got my roots done at the salon; i had never had a wax so logically this would be the perfect time to loose my waxing virginity.

I booked in for a full Brazilian with a nice Indian lady.

I stripped off Winnie the pooh style and spread my legs.

I figured if I can get a tattoo this will be fine. Wrong!

She painted a sticky pink glue on my snatch and pinched it off, she did this about ten times. I was nearly screaming in agony and my oriental dominatrix was laughing. Every time she pinched off the pink glue I would gasp and scream and she would laugh.

A good half an hour later (after I had declined to have my ass hole waxed too) I paid her $50 although seeing how much joy I gave her I think she should of paid me.

I don’t know how women can get that done weekly. DAMN.

Well hope you enjoyed, and I’ll let you know how the stripper thing goes.

Xox The Awkward Girl AKA Belle…Maybe

One unfortunate sex turns into many

Hey my lovely Readers.

I have been going mad trying to think of material for my Blog, I have plenty of sad stories and information but I really need to break it up with some sexy funny stuff.

Since my Blog has been out there in the world for nearly a week it has gotten over 720 views. Now I don’t know if that is good, bad or normal but I can’t help but be a little proud of myself.

So today I am going to post a little “time line” that maps the beginning of my tragic sex life up until Mr Big.

Maybe some of you will relate, maybe you will read this and say to yourself “hey that happened to me too” all I ask is that you enjoy it and tell all your friends and family or any famous connections you might have about my Blog.

I suppose the only logical place to start is at the beginning, my very first time.

It was summer holidays before college and I was 16 years old, my high school boyfriend Matt and I had broken up about two months ago after a eight month relationship (he is still my longest relationship). He had found himself a new girlfriend only a week after we broke up; but it didn't last, she cheated on him after he lost his virginity to her.

So you can imagine that it didn't take long before he was texting me and arranging for us to catch up.

He told me that he still loved me and that he made a mistake having sex with his ex, what ever he did it worked. All throughout our relationship he had tried getting in my pains but I was too nervous, he would make me feel bad by saying things like “if you don’t give me a hand job I’ll break up with you” or “lots of girls at my work flirt with me”.

One day he invited me over to his house to watch a movie (only now do I know when a guy asks you that he always means sex) it wasn't long till we were making out on the sofa.

He kept asking me “is this ok?” witch I would always respond to with “I don’t know” and continue kissing him.

He asked me if I wanted to come upstairs, I again quietly responded with  “I don’t know” so upstairs we went.

We then began ‘the awkward teenage shuffle’ dance he takes off my top and his top while I try to cover myself, then he spends a good one minuet fumbling with my bra while still kissing me.

He gets the bra off but his next challenge is tugging it away from me while I have two hands trying to cover my boobs and my belly like my life depends on it.

“You know I have seen them before” he says while he releases my bra from it's death grip.

I quickly flatten myself against him, ha now he definitely can’t see me. Then I feel something I look down and see his erection through his boxers, oh my goodness i knew about them and knew what to expect but I have never seen one in real life, I wonder what I’m suppose to do with it. Should I grab it? I know that boys like it sucked but that’s icky.

Next thing I know the radio is on and we are on the bed, I’m laying on my back and he is having sex on me (not a type-o)

I felt like I should be doing something more so I grabbed his back "are you ok, is this ok?" He asked  "I don't know I think so" i respond.

He then started to get me to stroke his thing, but i pulled my hand away.

Fifteen minuets in and i was getting board, i remember the radio playing Rihanna please don't stop the music and a few ads telling me to trade my old vacuum and a McDonald's jingle telling me i can add bacon to any burger for only $1.

By that stage i looked like this:

It didn't take long till i made a noise and told him to get off...Ah romance.

After we got dressed i walked him to subway and then i walked home.

When i started college i had strangers warn me not to have sex with him because he made a $20 bet with a friend that he could get me into bed by Easter,  we had sex the day after Valentines day. I still have never spend Valentines day with a guy.

So that was when it started, my next few sexual encounters were not so "long" or memorable.

I had just turned 18 and i was going to a guy friend Jake's 18th birthday, I had a bit of a crush on him and I liked him a bit back in high school.

The party was good, we got drunk and I had a very low cut dress on (which i still have) everything was going swimmingly.

Once the party wound down the 10 boys went to their tent and my best friend Diana and i went to our tent.

About half an hour later Jake came in and lay down next to me, he then started to put his hand under the blanket and drunkenly play with my minge, he then got my hand and put it on his wing wang woodle, i felt around for the remainder of it but only something the size of my thumb could be found. ok this should be easy to wank off, hmm now where are my tweezers?

Diana then got out of the tent and went to the bathroom, I rolled over and straddled him. Why wont he kiss me? i would but he isn't giving me any signs.

Oops! Diana is back.

I moved over to the far corner of the tent and she slid in beside me. 

I think Jake got the hint and he left.

But after that he had tried getting in my pants every time we drank together. But he never kissed me so he never got any.

After Matt there was a bit of a sex gap.

I think i might have had sex in a night club but i don't think it counts, He slipped inside for only a moment and then i chickened out and went to find my sister.

Then when i was 19 i moved away to a new city and started seeing a 25 year old called Harry, he had a baby, and ironically he wanted to wait three months before we had sex.

But at our  two and a half month mark we were making out in bed when next thing i know we were doing the sixty-nine. I had never put a penis in my mouth before let alone seen one so close.

I try sucking on it and licking it, then he put it deep in my throat and i was nearly sick so then he got me to sit on his face.

I was truly happy he decided to shave his stubble that day. But what he did next is something that will stay with me till I'm a sweet old lady in a home telling grand kids NOT TO USE TEETH!

I want you to imagine for  a moment rapid moving teeth like this:

Now imagine winding up the teeth and putting them against your clit.

Harry and i never did get to the three month mark, I felt a bit cheated after all that.

Then there was Leigh.

He was a cute military guy i met online, by our second date he was telling me he didn't want a relationship and was asking me back to his dorm to "watch a movie" by now i knew what that translated to

The sex was good although I really had nothing to compare it to, I never climaxed and when he was about to cum he would say "where should I put it?"

In other words "I want to cum on you or in your mouth" 

I always chose mouth, It's less messy.

I got pretty good at head with him, I also lied and told him "I'm the best and i love giving head" people only believe what you tell him.

One night while giving head I burped, "umm that felt weird" he said. I looked up at him and wiggled my fingers like tentacles and said "I'm a Kraken From the Sea!"

I think he pretended not to hear me...Thank god.

That wasn't the only time I humiliated myself in front of him.

once we were having sex and he wanted to cum on my chest, i figure his penis is a guest in my body and i need to be a obliging hostess. So i let him.

Big mistake, it went on my face in my hair and in my eye. You have no idea how hard it is to get cum out of your eyebrow. I told my Mum and she called me Jizz eye for a year.

Haha that's the face I made.

Then i was 20.

I picked up in a night club for the first time. I was drunk and he was ok looking. Diana got his friend. we went back to their place and there wasn't really a lot to it.

The wind died quickly no matter how much I sicked and wanked, but we were so drunk i don't think ether of us minded. Then i was sick on the grass outside and my friend and i got in a cab and went home. 

I don't remember his name.

Then near my 21st birthday i had one last hook up with Leigh  It only shows how dumb i am. He tricked me and made me think he loved me and we could be together. 

Then he called me a week later to tell me he can't see me because he will be doing stuff. Wanker.  (story of my life)

A week before i turned 21 i met the love of my 21 year life, the guy i wanted to marry, and the guy I could open up to.

Anyway you don't need to know about that. What you do need to know is that i got my period while having sex with him, we were doing it doggy style and he says "can you smell something metallic?" 

My heart stopped, he turned on the light to reveal blood everywhere.

On his dick his belly his face and all over me and the sheets. 

Well if that isn't bad enough, It happened to me twice. And I'm on the Pill.

Lucky that is so bad it cancels out the fanny burps and cum dripping out of me in the shower or farting on him during sex.

Long story short we were about to move in together and then suddenly he pulls away then after months of me crying and trying to make him come back he tells me he can’t love me anymore. Now he has a new skinny girlfriend.

And that brings me to Mr Big

Here is the link:

http://anawkwardgirlsguide.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/saturday-night-with-mr-big.html

So I hope you got some kind of entertainment out of that, I did in some ways. 

So if you have ever done anything in the bedroom that would make you cringe, it's ok. We have all been there. 

Boy have we.....

All the best 

The Awkward Girl

xoxo

To be a prostitute. What's the issue?

Hi to all my readers.


I have been spending a lot of time alone lately, and for me that is watching TV and having a Secrete diary of a London call girl marathon.
It got me thinking, if Hannah/Belle can be a prostitute and love her work why not me.
She doesn't do drugs she's clean rich and loves her body.

I love money too, and although i make $55k a year I still need more. I have about $30k of debt I'm paying off for my current car and my first car (which was a death trap and I only had it a year) I also have insurance, rent, car rego, bills and living costs. All up I have Just over $1000 in expenses every two weeks.

But I also see a shrink and I get my hair done every 4-6 weeks and I want to get laser hair removal, so you see how I do need more money pronto?
I have applied for higher paying jobs but the system is slow and i want money now.

So what is the big deal with being paid for sex?
I know people that work in the sex area as strippers and it’s all perfectly legal in Canberra they pay tax and everything, the government workers have to get their rocks off somehow.
You can make $1200 a week doing it, now don't get all worked up i would only do it maybe two nights a week and possibly some dancing.

In the end it's just money and sex.
I want to have expensive things and live in a nice place and pay off my debts and get a house and fill it with nice things. But isn't that what we all want?

I don't know how i feel about doing the deed with some old man with grey pubes, i would have to get into a completely diffract mind set, pretend that I’m a porn star and do it like I’ve done it over a thousand times before.
But i don't know if i have the body for it; I don't have big boobs, I’m not skinny and my stomach isn't tight and toned.

Well there is nothing more i can do other that call and ask.
And while I wait I might have some hot coco and diet chocolate mousse.

The Outcome

Ok, so i called the brothel to ask about reception work, they asked me about my experience and told me they might have some work in a few weeks and it pays $20 an hour.

I then asked about the escorting jobs.
The lady on the phone told me that the girls make $150 an hour after the business takes a cut and the more outgoing girls can sometimes makes $1600 a night.
Holey shit!
I asked her what kind of look they were after, she said friendly and outgoing.
"No, like what body?"
She said they have girls there that range from a size 6 to 16.
I was a little suspired by that, i told her that I’m a 10 and that I’m a little shy.
"Clients like all kinds of girls, even the "girl next door look". It's a really good way to get money fast"
They said i can come in some time and check the place out.

I'm going this Friday.

Don't judge, I was thinking of trying it out and if it's not for me i can ask for the receptionist job.


 
The Awkward girl
xox

That Lonely Boring Between Place

You know when you're single and your only friend isn't?

No, you don't know that feel?

What’s that you say? You have more than one friend so you can't relate?

Well fuck you then.

I might not be as good with people as you so yeah, I only have one friend.

And don't tell me to go out and make some friends, because i have made a few attempts and I just ended up with extra people on Facebook and a missing Daria box set.

This weekend my best friend (Diana) is going to her boyfriends dad's wedding and I’ll be...I don't fucking know. Watching TV, Cooking, Cleaning, Masturbating (no wait i have my period) so maybe I’ll go see a movie.

There is also a good chance i might drink a bottle of wine and re-visit my ex boyfriends happy holiday photos with his new skinny girlfriend on Facebook.

Although when i looked at them on Tuesday I hyperventilated got a horrible pain in my chest then cried myself to sleep.

It's very strange because I was a good 70% positive that i was over him, at least enough to not cry when I see photos of him and his slutty skank face hook nose tacky bimbo girlfriend.

It's hard to admit this but i think i might be lonely.

Sometimes I try and call my sister but she never picks up.

Yesterday I even went on CleverBot.com just to talk to someone, but I just got frustrated after 2 minuets of me saying "what should I do on the weekend?" and CleverBot responding with "why, don't you trust yourself?”

So here I am, nearly 22 years old in the prime of my life sitting in bed crying over some guy in my panama pants with the crotch stained from all the times a pad didn't quite cut it.

I feel like a young Bridget Jones, except when I eat my feelings I will probably go to the bathroom and spew it up later.

Wow that's funny because as i write this i'm drinking wine in my pajamas, something i do a lot of the time, sometimes i'm reading a Cosmo or a Cleo mag trying to find out the secretes to men and tips on how to live life. 

What do other single girls in there 20s do on a weekend when they don’t have any friends?

I went out last weekend and picked up (you can read about Mr Big in an earlier post) so i don’t want to do that for a while and Anti Flow is in town for about a week.

I guess they go on dates, or go shopping. But i really need to save money and i don’t know any hot men let alone men in general. 

And to make everything worse, today two people from work has asked me what I’m doing this weekend, that is when a normal person would say "oh nothing, but hay there is a open are Ben and Jerry's open air cinema on and its closing week, we should wet some people together and go"

But thanks to my social anxiety i can’t do that, i just make up some bullshit story that i am going to a friend of a friends wedding and that I’m super busy on Sunday with something.

I just can’t handle the idea of people trying to make friends with me. it makes me feel sick and go red faced

Once some girls in the office asked if i wanted to go for drinks, so i made up an excuse and nearly fainted. 
I have even had people at work ask me to lunch, so i pretended to be very busy and that i had to stay at my desk.

Maybe i can make my own fun.

*insert thinking music from Jeopardy here*

I know, on Saturday i won't eat a thing and all day i will drink Vodka, and when i get really drunk i will go for a run and see what happens.

Maybe I’ll trip over maybe I’ll vomit in the gutter, or maybe I’ll just stumble around.

umm on second thought i don't think that’s such a good idea.

Arrrrrrrg!

I can't believe how lame i am!

Being single really frees up a lot of time, i wish my laptop didn't over heat every time i attempted to play The Sims 3, that game took up a good 4 hours without me even knowing it.

Sorry for the extremely dull blog post today people.

So to make it up to you please enjoy these pictures of cats in amusing costumes and hats

*insert hillbilly car chase music here*

*sigh* its ok, none of this will matter when i'm a famous blue grass singer.


Anyway I'll think of something better to write next time

xoxo The Awkward Girl

My not so happy time on Kronic

Hi to all my readers.

You may recall i mentioned in my last post that i will be writing about Kronic and my extremely poor judgment in my next post.

And i always deliver what i promise, so i hope you enjoy and find my little trip fest to be funny and educational.

Oh, and don't do drugs. I feel i should mention that some place...drugs are bad and stuff. 

To start off with i feel like i should explain.

Kronic is a legal synthetic marijuana, you can get it in sex shops and some bong shops.

 Kronic looks like this

I had gotten a bag a while back and wanted to give it a go with my best friend.

We cut it with tobacco and rolled it up in cigarette paper, and then we hid the joints in our clutch bags and took them out with us on the town.

When we were between clubs we decided this would be a perfect time to give the joints a go, we lit up and took in a deep breath held for a few seconds and ex hailed....nothing. We did it again and again and again...nothing nothing nothing! Not even a buzz, and we had mixed it with a descant amount of alcohol too.

God damn well that's $35 well spent.

And that was the end of Kronic for a while.

Until that unforgettable night...

It was a Friday night i was 19 and my best friend and i had the house to ourselves.

We wanted to go out and party and there would be no one to tell us when to come home.

But according to my friend I’m a "lame ass piker"

Well we couldn't have that now could we?

So i asked her for one of her leftover anti depressants, my 19 year old brain told me that because it was strong in a few hours i will be a happy little party animal.

But hold on, I'm extra lame so i will need more things to make me into the fun party animal she wants me to be.

So we took a few shots of Sothern Comfort and I had a glass of champagne to try and loosen the stick up my ass. (The bubbles make me slutty)

You know what, I’m feeling brave and it doesn't feel like that pill is going to kick in any time soon, I’ll try that Kronic again but this time i won't mix it with tobacco and I’ll smoke it in my little glass bong instead of rollie paper, that will definitely do something.

I started to pack half the bag into the little brass bit at the end of the bong, it wasn't even full yet.

"Wow for a little thing you can take a lot"

I might as well pack the whole bag in there, I don’t really know how much to use but this looks ok.

I went outside and lit up covering the little hole with my index finger.

Ok breath in....*bubble bubble* .....Breathe out.

That wasn't hard i can do this, i don’t know why so many people choke and cough when they smoke weed. What a bunch of girls.

I ended up doing the whole thing alone, apparently that’s the wrong thing to do. How was i to know that, the Kronic didn’t come with instructions or anything, and i was to drunk to Google.

But what i can remember it hit me pretty fast and very hard, i really should have eaten before i started my night, but i didn’t want to look fat in my dress.

For about two minuets i was happy and ready to party, but by the time i walked through the house to find my friend and now her aunt (who is our age, lets call her Sadie) i was feeling other effects.

"Hey guys, i just smoked all my Kronic"

Sadie looked at me horrified "you did what?  *sigh* your not suppose to do the whole thing and the little bong will make it more concentrated"

Just as she said that my legs started to go numb and i got wicked vertigo.

I grabbed the door of the fridge and held on for dear life.

"Oh my god... I feel like I'm floating! Am i floating?"

Sadie turns to my friend with a look on her face.

"I don’t think we can take her out"

Oh god i’ve messed up everything.

"I’m fine can go out, i just need some water"

I carefully let go of the fridge and cowboy crab walked over to the chairs in the dining room and my friend hands me a glass of water looks up then gasps.

"Fuck look at her face Sadie. I have never seen anyone so white. Hey can you feel the pill kicking in?"

I start sipping at the water but i stop when it starts to freeze me on the inside.

"Um i don’t know, my face feels cold and this water is so cold it’s burning me, i could try eating something?"

"Wait how white am i because i have make up on, so like vampire white or cancer patient white?”

My friend ducks out of the room to get me a TimTam (it’s a very yummy Australian chocolate biscuit, Opera likes them)

They look like this

I can't hide the worry in my voice anymore. My heart is beating really fast it feels like my chest might explode. I hold out my hands and look at them there shaking like Michel J Fox on a coffee high.

....Shit. What have i done?

Everything is spinning and starting to go dark.

"Hey.....HEY!”

I can hear my best friend but i can't see her. She puts something in my hand, it must be the TimTam she was getting me, my vision kind of comes back and I’m looking at the tiled floor and its getting bigger, i quickly sit back up.

"Eat This"

I put it to my mouth and take a small bite, but its not letting me eat it.

I try chewing till it turns into a powder in my mouth, Arg! My mouth is so dry. I take a sip of water but it immediately evaporates in my cold numb mouth, i keep sipping and i manage to get half of my tiny bite down.

I put the TimTam down. "I thought you were my friend TimTam"

I can here my friends talking in the other room

"We can't leave her like this" My best friend says to Sadie.

"She’s fine, give her a little bit and she will pass out or be sick"

Shit what am i going to do, i want them to go out and have fun but if i go out there is a good chance we will have to go to a medical station, but if i stay home alone i might die.

They came back in the dining room but i hardly notated them, i had reached a point where i was going to fall of my seat.

I was shaking all over and everything was spinning and foggy and my heart was racing.

I knew that it won’t be long till i had to go to emergency.

I looked up at my best friend.

"I...I think I’m dying. I think I’m dying.......I think I’m dying"

Sadie laughed

"Your not dyeing you just need to be sick"

Everything spins and my stomach flips over.

"I think i need to go to hospital, but i don’t want your mum and dad to find out."

"I don’t know how to get you to hospital, we have all been drinking a lot" she looks over at Sadie”i don't know what to do"

Something is happening, everything goes black and spins i lurch forward.

My best friend quickly grabs me

“Wow, are you going to be sick? Are you ok? Do you need a bucket?"

"I think I’m dying......." that was all i managed to get out before my mouth filled up and i projectile vomited across the room and all over the dishwasher.

"Ok i think you might need a bucket now"

I was feeling a bit better, but really i was so out of it I didn’t know my ass from my face.

"No i think I’m ok n-"

Then came the second wave of vomit.

After that i don’t really recall a lot except my best friend telling me to strip down so I can have a shower.

When my brain caught up with me all i could see was something like this:

I was sitting on the floor of the shower for god knows how long staring at the water running down the shower door. So many things didn't add up, did i pass out? How did i get in the shower? Where is my best friend?

But as i watched the drops of water meet other drops and form shapes they started to form a line of about 10 tiny hippos in hats, and as the water danced so did they. It kind of reminded me of something from Dr Seuss.

I have no idea how long i sat there watching them dance but at some point my best friend got me out of the shower dried me off and put me to bed.

I have no memory of anything more. But i did find out my lovely friend cleaned up all the vomit and mess from that night.

I felt completely fine the next day. I had some food and water and i was good to go out Clubbing on Saturday night.

So that was that.
I hope you got some enjoyment out of that, and i hope that it was kind of educational.
So don't mix drugs it's very very bad.

And i did eventually learn not to take synthetic drugs... After i took some E my sister gave me. What? It was pink and had a bunny on it, how can that be bad?

Well it gave me the same reaction as Kronic but this time i had the common sense to make my self purge it before the shaking came on.  



So i know better better now, and i hope you know better.
I don't want anyone to start tripping out and seeing  dancing hippos  :)

So thanks for reading and take care.

xoxo The Awkward Girl