Pain and Loneliness

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The Lies We Tell

First off. 

I have hit 1000 views. Wooooot :)

Hi readers sorry it has been so long. I want to say I was busy but I wasn't, I'm just very lazy.

I have just realized that recently I have been telling some lies to the people I love.

I have told my surrogate mother (my best friend’s mum who adopted me) and my best friend Diana that I have put on a kilo and that my eating disorder is getting better.

Well little do they know that I have just hit 59kg and the other day I saw a 58 on the scale.

They are under the impression I am now 61kg.

I’ve told them this so they wouldn't worry about me. As far as they know I am putting methods in place to gain weight and I no longer purge and all I do is sit around and binge on diet chocolate mousse. (That part is true)

But in reality I try and stay less than 500 calories for the day, if I eat something that makes me feel full or if it’s over 150 calories I will almost surely purge it.

And really they don’t have anything to worry about. I don't look like I'm fading away, there's still meat on my bones.

If anything i might end up looking like Pink. Big shoulders, Flat chest, not a very well defined waist.

Awww Yeah. *sigh* i guess that's the best I can hope for 

I have also told my therapist the same thing, God knows why!

It’s so stupid; I pay the bitch $150 an hour so I can lie to her about my E.D recovery?

Epic money fails.

I’m not a child; if I'm honest with her what is she going to do, tell my mum and dad?

My Mum would just call me and tell me I'm being silly. And my Dad either wouldn't believe her or ignore it. Just like he did when I lost 15kg to impress him when I visited around Christmas time and he didn't say a thing.

Also a little while ago I told my friends mum I want to work as a receptionist in a brothel for a second job and some extra money.

She was fine when I talked to her on the phone about it but the next day she did a back flip and told me it was a huge mistake.

So this Thursday I will be going to a strip club to have a try out as a stripper, the hours are good and so is the pay.

I just have to think of excuses for what I will be doing two nights a week till 4am.

Well I am known for being bad at texting, so if someone tries to contact me I can just get back to them a few hours later and be like "oh sorry I was sleeping" or "Hey sorry I missed you I was watching a movie"

I really wish I didn't have to lie to people, I know if I confide in my best friend Diana she will tell her mum and then her mum will yell at me.

I told my sister and she is cool with it, and I know she won’t tell anyone, and also she lives in a different state.

I just don't know what to do.

And also i have to think of a stripper name. (What fun)

I have come up with a few names, I was thinking If I pick a name that's sweet the clients won't expect me to be too exotic.

Taffy

Peaches

Cherry

Rose 

Violet

Belle (after my most beloved tv show Secret diary of a London call girl)

I like her because she looks a little like me. 

You know with the small boobs and the big torso and blonde hair with big lips.

I want to keep the name to one syllable, It makes it easy to remember. 

Maybe Belle would be good for me, seeing as i would model myself after her, and i know all her tricks. "i can get ready for a client in my sleep, they like big hair, big breasts, and a big smile"

Maybe i can fake it till i make it.

Mwahxx

The only issue would be "hair removal" after my trip to the waxer on Thursday I swear that once i heal and grow back i will never do that again it's going to be lazier hair removal from now on.

Let me explain.

I had an hour to kill before I got my roots done at the salon; i had never had a wax so logically this would be the perfect time to loose my waxing virginity.

I booked in for a full Brazilian with a nice Indian lady.

I stripped off Winnie the pooh style and spread my legs.

I figured if I can get a tattoo this will be fine. Wrong!

She painted a sticky pink glue on my snatch and pinched it off, she did this about ten times. I was nearly screaming in agony and my oriental dominatrix was laughing. Every time she pinched off the pink glue I would gasp and scream and she would laugh.

A good half an hour later (after I had declined to have my ass hole waxed too) I paid her $50 although seeing how much joy I gave her I think she should of paid me.

I don’t know how women can get that done weekly. DAMN.

Well hope you enjoyed, and I’ll let you know how the stripper thing goes.

Xox The Awkward Girl AKA Belle…Maybe

Saturday Night With Mr Big

Hi people.

As promised I will relay my traumatic Saturday night with Mr Big.

I think I will start with my intention of the night.

After my breakup with my ex and the discovery or his new twiggy blond girlfriend I needed to move on and fill the void, and the best way to do that was with a strangers junk.

I planned on going out alone, (a risky move for someone who has been drugged twice in a night club) but I was willing to put that aside in the pursuit of love.

Everything was set; 

• My roommate would be away till Sunday afternoon
• My house was mopped, swept and vacuumed
• I put my new sheets on the bed
• I had spent the last two weeks researching how to pick up men in nightclubs.
• I got a tight red dress and a bra that will take me from a B to a C cup.
• Hair was done - although i did loose a fight with a bottle of toner.
• Fake tan wasn't too blotchy
• And i covered my bleeding shaving rash on my lady bits with Sally Harrison Air Brush Legs (remember that name, one day it will save you)

I looked pretty good, despite the fact i was so bloated i looked four months pregnant, but that went away in good time.

Bow chika bow wow

Yep I was going to be in for a fun filled night.

I first went into town with some friends that were going to an event called sky fire, It was only 6:30pm so i hung about watched the fire works ate too much cheese and chocolate and drank 3 mini bottles of champagne.

I don't want to think about the calories, but i told myself the many hours of dancing ahead of me will work it off.

Finally it was 9:30pm and i gave my friend my jacket and booz and walked to the Uni Pub.

It was about half full in there, plenty of good looking guys but the night was so young it would have died at birth.

So i had one drink and moved on to a popular bar/club called Moose Head, i thought this would be a perfect time to get my stamp and they were having a St Patrick's day party.

 *sigh* i should have stayed at the Uni Pub, this place is deader than Lindsay Lohan's career.

I moved on. What i really needed to find was a bar where people go before the action, and it needs to be full enough so i don't look like a pathetic girl all alone in a dark bar.

People already think i have a sad face; i don't need to be pathetic too.

I felt exposed in the middle of the cobble stone square, people were looking at me. i pull my shoulders back and attempt to walk with confidence, i tell myself they are only looking because you're so hot and you're the only girl in a red dress I've seen all night.

I find a semi crowded place called Hippo Bar filled with middle aged men in suits and the odd younger one. Perfect!

I ordered a disgusting overpriced glass of champagne and placed myself on a seat on the balcony and fiddled with my phone in the hopes that people will think I’m texting all my friends and arranging a meeting.

It clearly didn't work.

I looked up and saw a girl in her late 20s early 30s smiling at me. Let’s call her Ms Hippo Bar)

She asked me why such a pretty girl was sitting alone.

I raised an eyebrow at her "do you really want to know?"

"Yeah, I think so" Ms Hippo Bar said after a long pause.

So that’s what i did, i told her of my intentions and of my extensive research and that i have even taken the time to vacuum my house.

She was impressed with my commitment to the cause, clearly i had put a lot of thought into this.

She then called over her husband (Mr Hippo Bar)

She tells him what I'm up to and that I'm nervous and she asks him how i should proceed.

Mr Hippo Bar tells me that a girl as stunning as me and in THAT dress has the luxury where i can stand in any room in any given well lit spot and the men will come to me like flies on honey.

All it takes is a smile and a touch to the arm.

He also pointed out that i look sexy and not trashy because I’m not showing any cleavage and i had flat shoes on.

Mr and Ms Hippo Bar then started to point out 30 something year old men i might like, so that was my queue to head to TnG (a popular pre-night club spot with some live music)

As i walked the short distance to TnG i went past a few cafes and restaurants, there were business men sitting outside drinking coffee and ending their night.

As i got closer the one facing me looked up and his associate followed his gaze, in perfect timing their heads turned as i walked past. It reminded me of a cartoon.

It took everything i had not to smile to myself and to keep walking till i got to the bar.

But that was just what i needed, I truly felt like i could command the attention of any room. This must be what self esteem feels like.

So i payed the $5 entree fee and i went straight to the bathroom.

Its so annoying how quickly alcohol passes through me, its not as bad as coke but pretty close. 

I am also happy to report that i also pooped while i was there and that made me feel a bit lighter.

I could hear some girls in the bathroom talking about drunken sex, immediately my ears perked up.

Now these are some woman i can talk to.

i came out and washed my hands and waited for them to come to the sinks.

"Like OMG! I like so love drunken sex!"

"OMG Meeee Tooo. It is like so amazing"

One looked at me and saw me smiling.

"You know what I’m talking about gurllll?"

I laughed at her and admitted that i have never had drunken sex.

"Well you gotta be gettin out there and have some"

The drunk girls left the bathroom and i counted to ten and followed. I think i hoped that they would include me in whatever fun time they were going to have.

I saw Bathroom girl at the bar and stood next to her pretending to order a drink, then i let out a silent yet deadly fart.

Bathroom girl suddenly looked around and said "Omg what is that? arg it's disgusting!"

I took this as a opportunity and pretended to notice too "Yeah your right, eww someone must of done a walk by fart"

I then tried to start something up "hey you’re the girl from the bathroom" 

She looks at me a moment "oh yeah! Hey! Go and have drunk sex! See ya"

Damn it. opportunity gone.

There was nothing more for me at T'n'G so i made my way back to Moose Head hoping that things had picked up there.

As i was making my way a random guy lost his shit and went crazy over my dress "OMG! Holy Shit! You look so good you should be in L.A!!"

"umm thanks random"

Well Moose Head had improved.

People were dancing and drinking, i made my way up to the dance floor and i saw a friend of a friend (Tights as Pants)

We exchanges niceties and i got up on the higher part of the stage to check out the meat market.

I was dancing for only a few moments when (Mr Big) started to dance with me. He was everything my ex wasn't.

Tall about 6'4, handsome, buff like a god and an amazing kisser. No tongue and pure passion.

It wasn’t long till he whipped out his phone and showed me his "modelling picture"

After our night he was kind enough to send it to me, so now i can share it with you. For his privacy i have cut off Mr Bigg's head

Oh and FYI he is a Rugby player (Note the ball)

After a while I offered to get him a drink, he was very shocked by this and he liked it. He said a lot of girls expect the guy to get a drink for the girls.

(Ladies take note, if you want to stand out try getting HIM a drink)

Then he got me a drink witch I reluctantly drank, we went to the bathroom and met back on the dance floor.

A few more moments and he were asking me if I wanted to get out of here.

I couldn't believe it, it worked I did it, I picked up.

A short $35 cab ride later we were back at my place; this was the part I was unsure about.

I took him to my bedroom and unzipped my dress. But he was talking about something I was only half hearing. So I kissed him and pulled off his shirt, he was so confident in his body, and I really don’t blame him. (If you need a reminder please look at the image above)

We went down onto the bed and kissed, it was slow and sweet. Then he started to work on my bra, one hook then some struggling.

I should really help him, this is a new bra and he will be there all night.

“Do you want me to get it? I won’t think any less of you”

But Mr Big’s will was strong and in the end he got it.

Then suddenly he flips me onto my back. It was unexpected but no more than when he sticks his tongue in my love cave, he starts licking and sicking and then he shoves two of his massive fingers inside me, OK ouch but I can handle it.

This carried on for a while until he rams his fingers up so far I gasp, and then he starts to move them against something hard. I don’t like it and the clit sucking is getting old and a bit unconformable.

I just want him to finish and we can sleep.

“Hey…..HEY! You better stop or I'll cum.”

“That’s the idea” he says.

Ok… I pull away and roll him on his back, two can play that game.

I tug down his pants and undies and they fall to the floor. Suddenly I’m in shock, it was like a fist.

I decided to try anyway. I attempt to wrap my lips around his knob but I couldn't get my mouth wide enough. So then I decided to wank at his foreskin and lick the tip, that kind of worked but he wanted more.

So I pulled out a condom and attempted to slide it on, it didn't budge. At first I was thinking I had it on the wrong way but I didn't  With a little more rolling I got it on half way.

I started off on top, with all our kissing and then he eating me out I was pretty wet. I lined myself up and eased it to the entrance. Omg it won’t go in.

I gave it a bit more back and forth and I got the head in, but it felt like I was going to break.

After some rocking back and forth we try with him on the top, Worse! And his hips were wider than mine so it felt like my hip joints were going to pop out.

Then came the new pain. Turns out he likes to bite ears.

You See what I'm talking about.

And he rubbed my clit like a genie was going to come out of my vagina and grant him wishes.

And while he was trying to ram his penis into my now dry minge he started to pinch my nipples like he was expecting them to come off. He only stopped for a second when I said “ouch!”

This went on for an hour and a half, I then reached a point where I had to just say stop, but it took a while to get the hint. At first he then held down my arms and preceded to finger fuck me.

Eventually we went to sleep, after an extra half hour of him softly tickling my skin and trailing his fingers back down under, I then had to grab his hand like a child about to touch a hot stove.

The Next day he started back up again with the tickling. I knew there would be only one way to be rid of him.

“You wanna have sex again?”

I hated myself for asking, I was in so much pain from last night but I just wanted him to cum and go.

So I attempted to put a condom on him again, and then I lay through an extremely painful ten minuets of him licking my bruised clit until I had to get him to stop.

I looked for my lube but couldn't find it. Damn it!

Then he tried to force himself in me again, I was dry and tender but by god was I going to get him to cum.

I got on top of Mr Big my body screamed in protest, then I rode him, it was tricky and I had to nearly slap his hands away when he went for my nipples, after a hour I couldn't take any more.

“Are you close? You got to tell me if you’re close”

No response and I was done.

“what? But I was close” Mr Big said

“Really?!”

I climbed back on and rode him like a bunny fighting through the pain all over my body, and the chafing between my legs.

But in the end he came and I was relived even if it was all over my new sheets.

I made him coffee he had a shower and then soon after he was out the door and in a cab, and I was sitting on frozen peas and calling my best friend.

I hope you liked my first real blog entry, the others won't be as long as this one only happened on Saturday night, so its all still fresh in my mind and my hips are still hurting.

You know i never did get to dance off all that cheese but i think i should get a  merit badge for attempting Mr Big.

oxox The Awkward Girl