Pain and Loneliness

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One unfortunate sex turns into many

Hey my lovely Readers.

I have been going mad trying to think of material for my Blog, I have plenty of sad stories and information but I really need to break it up with some sexy funny stuff.

Since my Blog has been out there in the world for nearly a week it has gotten over 720 views. Now I don’t know if that is good, bad or normal but I can’t help but be a little proud of myself.

So today I am going to post a little “time line” that maps the beginning of my tragic sex life up until Mr Big.

Maybe some of you will relate, maybe you will read this and say to yourself “hey that happened to me too” all I ask is that you enjoy it and tell all your friends and family or any famous connections you might have about my Blog.

I suppose the only logical place to start is at the beginning, my very first time.

It was summer holidays before college and I was 16 years old, my high school boyfriend Matt and I had broken up about two months ago after a eight month relationship (he is still my longest relationship). He had found himself a new girlfriend only a week after we broke up; but it didn't last, she cheated on him after he lost his virginity to her.

So you can imagine that it didn't take long before he was texting me and arranging for us to catch up.

He told me that he still loved me and that he made a mistake having sex with his ex, what ever he did it worked. All throughout our relationship he had tried getting in my pains but I was too nervous, he would make me feel bad by saying things like “if you don’t give me a hand job I’ll break up with you” or “lots of girls at my work flirt with me”.

One day he invited me over to his house to watch a movie (only now do I know when a guy asks you that he always means sex) it wasn't long till we were making out on the sofa.

He kept asking me “is this ok?” witch I would always respond to with “I don’t know” and continue kissing him.

He asked me if I wanted to come upstairs, I again quietly responded with  “I don’t know” so upstairs we went.

We then began ‘the awkward teenage shuffle’ dance he takes off my top and his top while I try to cover myself, then he spends a good one minuet fumbling with my bra while still kissing me.

He gets the bra off but his next challenge is tugging it away from me while I have two hands trying to cover my boobs and my belly like my life depends on it.

“You know I have seen them before” he says while he releases my bra from it's death grip.

I quickly flatten myself against him, ha now he definitely can’t see me. Then I feel something I look down and see his erection through his boxers, oh my goodness i knew about them and knew what to expect but I have never seen one in real life, I wonder what I’m suppose to do with it. Should I grab it? I know that boys like it sucked but that’s icky.

Next thing I know the radio is on and we are on the bed, I’m laying on my back and he is having sex on me (not a type-o)

I felt like I should be doing something more so I grabbed his back "are you ok, is this ok?" He asked  "I don't know I think so" i respond.

He then started to get me to stroke his thing, but i pulled my hand away.

Fifteen minuets in and i was getting board, i remember the radio playing Rihanna please don't stop the music and a few ads telling me to trade my old vacuum and a McDonald's jingle telling me i can add bacon to any burger for only $1.

By that stage i looked like this:

It didn't take long till i made a noise and told him to get off...Ah romance.

After we got dressed i walked him to subway and then i walked home.

When i started college i had strangers warn me not to have sex with him because he made a $20 bet with a friend that he could get me into bed by Easter,  we had sex the day after Valentines day. I still have never spend Valentines day with a guy.

So that was when it started, my next few sexual encounters were not so "long" or memorable.

I had just turned 18 and i was going to a guy friend Jake's 18th birthday, I had a bit of a crush on him and I liked him a bit back in high school.

The party was good, we got drunk and I had a very low cut dress on (which i still have) everything was going swimmingly.

Once the party wound down the 10 boys went to their tent and my best friend Diana and i went to our tent.

About half an hour later Jake came in and lay down next to me, he then started to put his hand under the blanket and drunkenly play with my minge, he then got my hand and put it on his wing wang woodle, i felt around for the remainder of it but only something the size of my thumb could be found. ok this should be easy to wank off, hmm now where are my tweezers?

Diana then got out of the tent and went to the bathroom, I rolled over and straddled him. Why wont he kiss me? i would but he isn't giving me any signs.

Oops! Diana is back.

I moved over to the far corner of the tent and she slid in beside me. 

I think Jake got the hint and he left.

But after that he had tried getting in my pants every time we drank together. But he never kissed me so he never got any.

After Matt there was a bit of a sex gap.

I think i might have had sex in a night club but i don't think it counts, He slipped inside for only a moment and then i chickened out and went to find my sister.

Then when i was 19 i moved away to a new city and started seeing a 25 year old called Harry, he had a baby, and ironically he wanted to wait three months before we had sex.

But at our  two and a half month mark we were making out in bed when next thing i know we were doing the sixty-nine. I had never put a penis in my mouth before let alone seen one so close.

I try sucking on it and licking it, then he put it deep in my throat and i was nearly sick so then he got me to sit on his face.

I was truly happy he decided to shave his stubble that day. But what he did next is something that will stay with me till I'm a sweet old lady in a home telling grand kids NOT TO USE TEETH!

I want you to imagine for  a moment rapid moving teeth like this:

Now imagine winding up the teeth and putting them against your clit.

Harry and i never did get to the three month mark, I felt a bit cheated after all that.

Then there was Leigh.

He was a cute military guy i met online, by our second date he was telling me he didn't want a relationship and was asking me back to his dorm to "watch a movie" by now i knew what that translated to

The sex was good although I really had nothing to compare it to, I never climaxed and when he was about to cum he would say "where should I put it?"

In other words "I want to cum on you or in your mouth" 

I always chose mouth, It's less messy.

I got pretty good at head with him, I also lied and told him "I'm the best and i love giving head" people only believe what you tell him.

One night while giving head I burped, "umm that felt weird" he said. I looked up at him and wiggled my fingers like tentacles and said "I'm a Kraken From the Sea!"

I think he pretended not to hear me...Thank god.

That wasn't the only time I humiliated myself in front of him.

once we were having sex and he wanted to cum on my chest, i figure his penis is a guest in my body and i need to be a obliging hostess. So i let him.

Big mistake, it went on my face in my hair and in my eye. You have no idea how hard it is to get cum out of your eyebrow. I told my Mum and she called me Jizz eye for a year.

Haha that's the face I made.

Then i was 20.

I picked up in a night club for the first time. I was drunk and he was ok looking. Diana got his friend. we went back to their place and there wasn't really a lot to it.

The wind died quickly no matter how much I sicked and wanked, but we were so drunk i don't think ether of us minded. Then i was sick on the grass outside and my friend and i got in a cab and went home. 

I don't remember his name.

Then near my 21st birthday i had one last hook up with Leigh  It only shows how dumb i am. He tricked me and made me think he loved me and we could be together. 

Then he called me a week later to tell me he can't see me because he will be doing stuff. Wanker.  (story of my life)

A week before i turned 21 i met the love of my 21 year life, the guy i wanted to marry, and the guy I could open up to.

Anyway you don't need to know about that. What you do need to know is that i got my period while having sex with him, we were doing it doggy style and he says "can you smell something metallic?" 

My heart stopped, he turned on the light to reveal blood everywhere.

On his dick his belly his face and all over me and the sheets. 

Well if that isn't bad enough, It happened to me twice. And I'm on the Pill.

Lucky that is so bad it cancels out the fanny burps and cum dripping out of me in the shower or farting on him during sex.

Long story short we were about to move in together and then suddenly he pulls away then after months of me crying and trying to make him come back he tells me he can’t love me anymore. Now he has a new skinny girlfriend.

And that brings me to Mr Big

Here is the link:

http://anawkwardgirlsguide.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/saturday-night-with-mr-big.html

So I hope you got some kind of entertainment out of that, I did in some ways. 

So if you have ever done anything in the bedroom that would make you cringe, it's ok. We have all been there. 

Boy have we.....

All the best 

The Awkward Girl

xoxo

My not so happy time on Kronic

Hi to all my readers.

You may recall i mentioned in my last post that i will be writing about Kronic and my extremely poor judgment in my next post.

And i always deliver what i promise, so i hope you enjoy and find my little trip fest to be funny and educational.

Oh, and don't do drugs. I feel i should mention that some place...drugs are bad and stuff. 

To start off with i feel like i should explain.

Kronic is a legal synthetic marijuana, you can get it in sex shops and some bong shops.

 Kronic looks like this

I had gotten a bag a while back and wanted to give it a go with my best friend.

We cut it with tobacco and rolled it up in cigarette paper, and then we hid the joints in our clutch bags and took them out with us on the town.

When we were between clubs we decided this would be a perfect time to give the joints a go, we lit up and took in a deep breath held for a few seconds and ex hailed....nothing. We did it again and again and again...nothing nothing nothing! Not even a buzz, and we had mixed it with a descant amount of alcohol too.

God damn well that's $35 well spent.

And that was the end of Kronic for a while.

Until that unforgettable night...

It was a Friday night i was 19 and my best friend and i had the house to ourselves.

We wanted to go out and party and there would be no one to tell us when to come home.

But according to my friend I’m a "lame ass piker"

Well we couldn't have that now could we?

So i asked her for one of her leftover anti depressants, my 19 year old brain told me that because it was strong in a few hours i will be a happy little party animal.

But hold on, I'm extra lame so i will need more things to make me into the fun party animal she wants me to be.

So we took a few shots of Sothern Comfort and I had a glass of champagne to try and loosen the stick up my ass. (The bubbles make me slutty)

You know what, I’m feeling brave and it doesn't feel like that pill is going to kick in any time soon, I’ll try that Kronic again but this time i won't mix it with tobacco and I’ll smoke it in my little glass bong instead of rollie paper, that will definitely do something.

I started to pack half the bag into the little brass bit at the end of the bong, it wasn't even full yet.

"Wow for a little thing you can take a lot"

I might as well pack the whole bag in there, I don’t really know how much to use but this looks ok.

I went outside and lit up covering the little hole with my index finger.

Ok breath in....*bubble bubble* .....Breathe out.

That wasn't hard i can do this, i don’t know why so many people choke and cough when they smoke weed. What a bunch of girls.

I ended up doing the whole thing alone, apparently that’s the wrong thing to do. How was i to know that, the Kronic didn’t come with instructions or anything, and i was to drunk to Google.

But what i can remember it hit me pretty fast and very hard, i really should have eaten before i started my night, but i didn’t want to look fat in my dress.

For about two minuets i was happy and ready to party, but by the time i walked through the house to find my friend and now her aunt (who is our age, lets call her Sadie) i was feeling other effects.

"Hey guys, i just smoked all my Kronic"

Sadie looked at me horrified "you did what?  *sigh* your not suppose to do the whole thing and the little bong will make it more concentrated"

Just as she said that my legs started to go numb and i got wicked vertigo.

I grabbed the door of the fridge and held on for dear life.

"Oh my god... I feel like I'm floating! Am i floating?"

Sadie turns to my friend with a look on her face.

"I don’t think we can take her out"

Oh god i’ve messed up everything.

"I’m fine can go out, i just need some water"

I carefully let go of the fridge and cowboy crab walked over to the chairs in the dining room and my friend hands me a glass of water looks up then gasps.

"Fuck look at her face Sadie. I have never seen anyone so white. Hey can you feel the pill kicking in?"

I start sipping at the water but i stop when it starts to freeze me on the inside.

"Um i don’t know, my face feels cold and this water is so cold it’s burning me, i could try eating something?"

"Wait how white am i because i have make up on, so like vampire white or cancer patient white?”

My friend ducks out of the room to get me a TimTam (it’s a very yummy Australian chocolate biscuit, Opera likes them)

They look like this

I can't hide the worry in my voice anymore. My heart is beating really fast it feels like my chest might explode. I hold out my hands and look at them there shaking like Michel J Fox on a coffee high.

....Shit. What have i done?

Everything is spinning and starting to go dark.

"Hey.....HEY!”

I can hear my best friend but i can't see her. She puts something in my hand, it must be the TimTam she was getting me, my vision kind of comes back and I’m looking at the tiled floor and its getting bigger, i quickly sit back up.

"Eat This"

I put it to my mouth and take a small bite, but its not letting me eat it.

I try chewing till it turns into a powder in my mouth, Arg! My mouth is so dry. I take a sip of water but it immediately evaporates in my cold numb mouth, i keep sipping and i manage to get half of my tiny bite down.

I put the TimTam down. "I thought you were my friend TimTam"

I can here my friends talking in the other room

"We can't leave her like this" My best friend says to Sadie.

"She’s fine, give her a little bit and she will pass out or be sick"

Shit what am i going to do, i want them to go out and have fun but if i go out there is a good chance we will have to go to a medical station, but if i stay home alone i might die.

They came back in the dining room but i hardly notated them, i had reached a point where i was going to fall of my seat.

I was shaking all over and everything was spinning and foggy and my heart was racing.

I knew that it won’t be long till i had to go to emergency.

I looked up at my best friend.

"I...I think I’m dying. I think I’m dying.......I think I’m dying"

Sadie laughed

"Your not dyeing you just need to be sick"

Everything spins and my stomach flips over.

"I think i need to go to hospital, but i don’t want your mum and dad to find out."

"I don’t know how to get you to hospital, we have all been drinking a lot" she looks over at Sadie”i don't know what to do"

Something is happening, everything goes black and spins i lurch forward.

My best friend quickly grabs me

“Wow, are you going to be sick? Are you ok? Do you need a bucket?"

"I think I’m dying......." that was all i managed to get out before my mouth filled up and i projectile vomited across the room and all over the dishwasher.

"Ok i think you might need a bucket now"

I was feeling a bit better, but really i was so out of it I didn’t know my ass from my face.

"No i think I’m ok n-"

Then came the second wave of vomit.

After that i don’t really recall a lot except my best friend telling me to strip down so I can have a shower.

When my brain caught up with me all i could see was something like this:

I was sitting on the floor of the shower for god knows how long staring at the water running down the shower door. So many things didn't add up, did i pass out? How did i get in the shower? Where is my best friend?

But as i watched the drops of water meet other drops and form shapes they started to form a line of about 10 tiny hippos in hats, and as the water danced so did they. It kind of reminded me of something from Dr Seuss.

I have no idea how long i sat there watching them dance but at some point my best friend got me out of the shower dried me off and put me to bed.

I have no memory of anything more. But i did find out my lovely friend cleaned up all the vomit and mess from that night.

I felt completely fine the next day. I had some food and water and i was good to go out Clubbing on Saturday night.

So that was that.
I hope you got some enjoyment out of that, and i hope that it was kind of educational.
So don't mix drugs it's very very bad.

And i did eventually learn not to take synthetic drugs... After i took some E my sister gave me. What? It was pink and had a bunny on it, how can that be bad?

Well it gave me the same reaction as Kronic but this time i had the common sense to make my self purge it before the shaking came on.  



So i know better better now, and i hope you know better.
I don't want anyone to start tripping out and seeing  dancing hippos  :)

So thanks for reading and take care.

xoxo The Awkward Girl