hiding behind "healthy"

Hi readers I'm back!


I know it has been a long time, (about a year I think) but don't worry because you haven't missed much.

There has been guys, work, eating issues, I made a new friend at a different and more classy strip club (Chloe), I had three new jobs, lost my licence then got it back.

So now that you are all up to date with my ever so exciting life lets get back to the topic at hand (hiding behind "healthy")

It would be one of the first signs of an eating issue; that girl at the party or a restaurant who says no a slice of birthday cake, or orders a plate of vegetables because she has an "intolerance" to something or she is a "vegan".
These people use an intolerance as an excuse to avoid a lot of "fear food"  like bread, cheese, red meat or any junk food.

And coming from someone who does this I know it works.
In-fact it works so well that now I have a real intolerance to dairy, fatty food and some heavy protean like read meat and turkey gives me cramps.

Another "healthy lifestyle" trick people hide behind is when going out drinking.
While everyone is downing Redbull and vodka or cocktails she is drinking a dry white or a vodka soda and lime; when a guy offered her a drink like a vodka squash or a screwdriver she declines and makes up some excuse about not drinking that much tonight, or a classic like "energy drinks make me feel sick" or "I find vodka raspberry too sweet".
Then when the guy walks away or her friends feel awkward and eventually give up she sighs with relief because all of those empty calories will not be worrying her tonight.
And no need to worry about thous 3am pizza slices or kebabs because everyone knows you are a vegan.

But little do they know that being a vegan doesn't mean you are living off nuts and tofu and beans and big tasty vegan gluten free vegetable burgers instead of all the stuff you cut out, really what you have done is cut the "fear higher calorie" food and not replaced it.
essentially you are living off bunny food cottage cheese and long blacks and saying "I'm a vegetarian" .

What's for dinner?
Steam vegetables with a sprinkle of lemon and egg whites....it's healthy
What's for a snack?
One whole date chopped up with half a cup of air popped pop corn. 
...you get the point.

That gluten free soy free egg free dairy free bread you love is not because it's healthy, it's really because it's the lowest calorie bread on the market.


So yeah. there wasn't really a point to this, I just wanted you to know that I know your secrete, or help you identify a eating issue in a friend.

Yours always The Awkward Girl xx

Metabolism jump start and pee

Hey my little mouse clickers.

A quick update on how i am going in my quest for recovery.
I have upped my calories from 500 to about 900-1000 i am taking ion pills and eating small amounts of chicken and fish.

But despite my efforts to prove to people I’m getting better I have had a bit of a shock.
I weighed myself on Sunday expecting to see something like 60kg or 61kg going from 59kg (a small gain but it’s a start) well what I saw was 57.8kg. I have never seen it that low in all my days, even when i hardly ate a thing.
I think my metabolism is working better now that I’m getting food and protean, not good when you want people to think you’re eating more and i was kind of pissed off because i worked hard to eat that little bit extra and now people won’t believe me; I even feel thinner in the face and belly area.

Well because it’s working so well now I’m starving all the time.
Yesterday while I was filing at work (30 min after a big lunch and cheese puffs and a freddo chocolate) my belly started to make notices then my energy plummeted to the ground like an obese skydiver.

"Holy shit, i need food stat"
My energy was dropping so quickly i barely made it to my jelly cup before i passed out like a model at fashion week.
And I nomed that jelly cup up so fast like it was saving my life.

But it was like my stomach was working overtime; it started to rumble and feel empty within 15 min.
You should have seen me when I got home, I started cooking and eating like i was having an outer body experience.

But despite my intense hunger I still managed to put together an egg white omelette with mushroom capsicum onion artichoke and spinach.
When I came back to earth I was very impressed with what i can chuck together when I’m blind with hunger.

So that was my health, now ill will give you the inside scoop on my stripping.

Wednesday was a good night for me; i came away with $410 yay!
I didn’t end up working in peeps that night, because a girl i was working with doesn’t really do privates because she has a boyfriend. That fine, more money for me.

My first private for the night was youngish and kind of chubby.
he gave me the feeling that he wasn’t very good with people.
He gave me $100 and kept asking me about my hair maintenance. "Do you shave or wax?" he said as he rubbed my legs.
I quickly snuck a feel of my legs to see if there was stubble from my goose bumps, (I was kind of cold) but all was ship shape this guy is clearly crazy.

Then he made comments on my lady bits "you have such a perfect pussy, it’s like a drawing"
"umm thanks' i said after looking down to inspect my seemingly normal vagina.

We stood up and i continued to pull on his little ding dong, every now and then he would try and touch me down there and i would have to tell him "no that’s not allowed" but he did get me when my hands were "occupied" and quickly got a finger past my pussy lips and then licked his finger. (i should of charged him an extra $50 for that)

After a long time we got closer to the end and I told him i would like to make him "finish" before time is up and like clockwork there was a warm squirt then another down my leg.
I first thought he was Cumming but then it started to smell and sting; I had just been peed on, splendid.
Maybe he didn’t want to disappoint me, how sweet.
Oh yeah. He also left a skid mark on the towel covering the table.

I acted cool and waited till he had left the club before my freak-out to start.
Seeing as there was no anti bacterial wash in the room I had to rush to the bathroom and scrub my leg with hot water and soap, i will never be clean again.

But that was made up for when my next client came in.
Tall, clean early 30s and European.
He gave me $100 to be nude with touching and hand relief.
He was not only lovely, interesting and well travelled he smelled nice too; a perfect client.

After some time in the massage room he sat up on the edge of the table and put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer.
I continued with the hand job as he trailed his lips over my collar bone and exhaled; it was the kind of sensual touch that made me go weak at the knees.
He kissed my neck and our faces were so close out noses were nearly touching, I had to remind myself that he was a client.

He finished and I spent the last few minutes giving him a back rub and relaxing him.
Wow that is sooo much better than the one legged old man and the fat guy that peed on my leg.

So that was that, other clients have come in but those were the more eventful ones.

My birthday is in two days so happy 22nd birthday to me :)

My best friend might not be able to go out clubbing to celebrate because she has no money, I have told her to dress up for clubbing anyway when we go to dinner and I’ll be sure to get her drunk before its night club time.

I have a way with people.

I pick up my big sister from the airport tomorrow yay
And that is it I think.
I will let you know how my birthday goes.

The Awkward Girl xoxo

Starting over...again.

So I survived Monday and i was awake and focused all day, this is new for me, I normally don't crash it’s just a state of being for me. I just am”crashed".

I have tried eating little bits of chicken and fish and that’s helping.
I’m still under a healthy calorie amount for the day but it is better.
Eg yesterday i ate around 840 calories.

Oh yeah. I’m not supposed to be counting calories.

Breakfast:
1 small wheat pancake
1 banana (big mistake, I have never been so full)
3/4 sachet of Nescafe skim Capp
1 mini yogurt topped rice cracker

Morning tea:
2 baby carrots
1 Freddo Frog
1 pack of chicken potato stix

Lunch:
1/3 Pack of slim pasta
A tiny bit of chicken
1/3 can of diced tomato
A bunch of vegetables like onion tomato zucchini mushroom

1/2 Tub of Chobini Greek yogurt
30g mix berries

Afternoon Tea:
Jelly fruit cup

Dinner:
1 dim sum (I was hungry while cooking dinner)
 2 mini yogurt topped rice cracker
1 teaspoon light peanut butter

Finally dinner is ready:
35g tuna
1/4 onion
1/4 zucchini
1 ring capsicum
1/2 mouton bread - rice
2 mushrooms baby
1 1/2 egg whites

I will have the other half for lunch today

Dissert:
2 Fruit jelly cups
2 teaspoons sugar free drinking chocolate
Water
Dash of skim milk and skim soy

1 mini yogurt topped rice cracker
Some plain air popped popcorn
2 prunes

Wow, when I lay it out like that it looks like a lot. I really need to not snack like that at night, I’m not hungry I just get board. You Know that feel?


Today will be somewhat the same, but i had a sandwich thin with light peanut butter and only half a banana for breakfast. (Although I was still crazy full.)
No carrots today, instead i had the other half of my banana.
Swapping Greek yogurt and berries for a diet mousse, and swapping Potato stix for popcorn.
I’m having the other half of last night’s dinner for lunch, and I have a light pineapple Jelly.

I'm going to August's house for dinner, It was agreed that every two weeks i have dinner at her house and every two weeks i have dinner at Diana's place.

I’m worried I’m going to get fat but I know there are more inportant things to worry about.
My sister is coming up from Tasmania in 10 days for my birthday; i don’t think i will get too fat in that time.
What about my stripping?  Men don’t want a chunky stripper; I’m already the fat one.

Anyway, i just wanted to give you an update.
I will post something more meaningful soon. Maybe funny i hope.

OH! Before I forget, there was a guy at the strip club that booked me for a 2 song private dance, he was a bit strange.

I strip down and first thing he does is complement me on my "little boobs" because if you didn’t know I am the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Then he insisted that i dance close up to his face, I’m talking CLOSE UP. Like if i stuck out my tongue I would lick his nose;
He wanted to be near my face.
"You have such a lovely face" he kept saying.
Well I guess he was not a ass,tits or legs man. He was a face man.... because thats a thing now i guess.

Talk soon

The Awkward Girl
xoxo

Pain and Loneliness

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The Lies We Tell

First off. 

I have hit 1000 views. Wooooot :)

Hi readers sorry it has been so long. I want to say I was busy but I wasn't, I'm just very lazy.

I have just realized that recently I have been telling some lies to the people I love.

I have told my surrogate mother (my best friend’s mum who adopted me) and my best friend Diana that I have put on a kilo and that my eating disorder is getting better.

Well little do they know that I have just hit 59kg and the other day I saw a 58 on the scale.

They are under the impression I am now 61kg.

I’ve told them this so they wouldn't worry about me. As far as they know I am putting methods in place to gain weight and I no longer purge and all I do is sit around and binge on diet chocolate mousse. (That part is true)

But in reality I try and stay less than 500 calories for the day, if I eat something that makes me feel full or if it’s over 150 calories I will almost surely purge it.

And really they don’t have anything to worry about. I don't look like I'm fading away, there's still meat on my bones.

If anything i might end up looking like Pink. Big shoulders, Flat chest, not a very well defined waist.

Awww Yeah. *sigh* i guess that's the best I can hope for 

I have also told my therapist the same thing, God knows why!

It’s so stupid; I pay the bitch $150 an hour so I can lie to her about my E.D recovery?

Epic money fails.

I’m not a child; if I'm honest with her what is she going to do, tell my mum and dad?

My Mum would just call me and tell me I'm being silly. And my Dad either wouldn't believe her or ignore it. Just like he did when I lost 15kg to impress him when I visited around Christmas time and he didn't say a thing.

Also a little while ago I told my friends mum I want to work as a receptionist in a brothel for a second job and some extra money.

She was fine when I talked to her on the phone about it but the next day she did a back flip and told me it was a huge mistake.

So this Thursday I will be going to a strip club to have a try out as a stripper, the hours are good and so is the pay.

I just have to think of excuses for what I will be doing two nights a week till 4am.

Well I am known for being bad at texting, so if someone tries to contact me I can just get back to them a few hours later and be like "oh sorry I was sleeping" or "Hey sorry I missed you I was watching a movie"

I really wish I didn't have to lie to people, I know if I confide in my best friend Diana she will tell her mum and then her mum will yell at me.

I told my sister and she is cool with it, and I know she won’t tell anyone, and also she lives in a different state.

I just don't know what to do.

And also i have to think of a stripper name. (What fun)

I have come up with a few names, I was thinking If I pick a name that's sweet the clients won't expect me to be too exotic.

Taffy

Peaches

Cherry

Rose 

Violet

Belle (after my most beloved tv show Secret diary of a London call girl)

I like her because she looks a little like me. 

You know with the small boobs and the big torso and blonde hair with big lips.

I want to keep the name to one syllable, It makes it easy to remember. 

Maybe Belle would be good for me, seeing as i would model myself after her, and i know all her tricks. "i can get ready for a client in my sleep, they like big hair, big breasts, and a big smile"

Maybe i can fake it till i make it.

Mwahxx

The only issue would be "hair removal" after my trip to the waxer on Thursday I swear that once i heal and grow back i will never do that again it's going to be lazier hair removal from now on.

Let me explain.

I had an hour to kill before I got my roots done at the salon; i had never had a wax so logically this would be the perfect time to loose my waxing virginity.

I booked in for a full Brazilian with a nice Indian lady.

I stripped off Winnie the pooh style and spread my legs.

I figured if I can get a tattoo this will be fine. Wrong!

She painted a sticky pink glue on my snatch and pinched it off, she did this about ten times. I was nearly screaming in agony and my oriental dominatrix was laughing. Every time she pinched off the pink glue I would gasp and scream and she would laugh.

A good half an hour later (after I had declined to have my ass hole waxed too) I paid her $50 although seeing how much joy I gave her I think she should of paid me.

I don’t know how women can get that done weekly. DAMN.

Well hope you enjoyed, and I’ll let you know how the stripper thing goes.

Xox The Awkward Girl AKA Belle…Maybe

A day of food for an anorexic vegetarian

Hi all.

I just want to first give a big thank you to all the people who read my blog yesterday.

The amount of support and views has been overwhelming, I'm very honoured. ♥

Alright back to business.

Today i will be documenting what i eat in a day using photos.

I think it will be a big eye opener for me and to anyone else suffering with anorexia.

The idea is that i take a photo document the time and i might give a brief description on the food and how I’m feeling throughout the day

Also I better give you a little background info: I am 21 years old, I weigh 59kg and I’m a size 8 -10, and 5'3 tall.

I have had issues with eating when i was 15 -16, then i gained weight slowly after High school. By the time i was 19 and I weighed 82kg and was a size 14 -16.

Then i started to count calories and the weight just fell off.

When i was 20 - 21 I got deeper into my restricting. Although i wasn't loosening very much weight anymore I became addicted to counting calories the complements that people were giving me everyday and the smaller clothes i could now fit into. I would feel wrong if I ate over a certain number for the day.

On my 21st birthday i went out to breakfast and dinners with friends, and after i would go to the bathroom and make myself sick.

Having bacon and eggs or pasta inside me made me feel dirty.

I had been doing this sort of thing for a while on and off, Christmas is a big one, and birthdays or holidays. Really any occasion where there is a lot of food.

But I hardly purge now, I find it's better to just make sure i don’t eat over 600 calories for the day, and keep restricting.

I just have to make sure I stay away from cheese, peanut butter, nuts, chips, biscuits, cakes, or any baked goods.

You get the idea; it clearly occupies a large amount of precious space in my brain.

And if this sounds like you, you will know that 80% is will power and 20% is planning purging and lying.

So please read and reflect, and anyone who is going through this; I’m here and please stay safe, I don't want any of my readers to die. ♥

Warning. This is not a healthy diet to follow; you can not live off 600 calories in a day or under.

If you are suffering with an eating disorder in Australia you can get help at:

http://www.justaskus.org.au/browse/health-well-being/eating-disorders

7:30 am

Breakfast

½ Helga's Bread: Sandwich Thin, Mixed Grain - 50 Calories

1 teaspoon (5g) of Nuttelex: Margarines: Nuttelex, Light - 22 Calories

3 g of Cinnamon Sugar - 11 Calories

1 Sachet of Nescafe Coffees: Skim - 42 Calories 

My Breakfast - 126 Calories

I’m feeling ok this morning, although a bit sleepy but that’s because i stayed up till 11:30pm watching my blog views go from 30 to over 100 :-)

I don't think i really need to elaborate on my breakfast, but it will be the highest calorie meal I’ll eat all day today.

I'm a strong believer in eating breakfast everyday. It kick starts your metabolism and helps with weight loss.

And aside from all that nonsense I also just like coffee and cinnamon sugar on toast. :3

8:57 am

I’m starting to feel a bit hungry.

A girl in my office is starting to hum and sing to herself. It's so annoying; it feels like someone scratching at the inside of my brain, I want to go over there and tell her to shut her pie hole.

Oh that’s Just Great! Someone put pastries on the table in the tea room. Well normally i would get one and lick it out ;-) then discard it. (Like that doesn't sound familiar)

But i don’t want to take a photo of it, so I’ll hold back, someone else can have an extra 50 calories in their day.

Knowing that if I eat something and the prospect of the whole world seeing my shame is a really good way not to eat junk.

At some point between now and 9:30am. I will have

1 Baby carrot - 10 Calories

1 Stalk of celery - 4 Calories

Post Breakfast munchies - 14 Calories

I know people say celery is a negative calorie food. Well that is a lie. No food has zero or negative calories, the only thing with zero calories is water.

Even Coke Zero has like 0.5 calories.

It’s the fiber in the celery, you burn it off very quickly but it's still there.

10:00am

Black Tea #No 1 (of many) - 0 Calories

My office is freezing cold and lucky for me anything with caffeine I will just pee out in the next hour.

10:57am

Oops. I've been budging at work pretty bad, I just can’t get in the zone, and I’m so bored.

I have some snack food coming up but I don't know if I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll have the Coke and see how I’m feeling. Maybe it will give me some energy to work better.

11:00am

Coke Zero Mini Time!!

I wish it was Coke Zero time all the time.  :D

I'm not going to put in the calories of the Coke Zero because frankly my dear I don't give a damn. 

11:10am

Pre Lunch Snack

Mini Macro Air Pop Popcorn: Nacho Cheese - 60 Calories

I couldn't get the photo to flip around, but you're smart people, I think you get the idea, or you could tilt your head. 

I alternate every second day with the Mini Macro Popcorn or Potato Stix for my crunchy fix, The Potato Stix has 42 calories.

They taste like chicken potato chips but puffed and in stick form…and not chips.

11:40am

Well I did end up having the popcorn, (so yummy).

My logic was if I have it now i won't have it later.

I had a tiny boost of energy, but it's starting to go down the closer i get to lunch time.

I want the day to be over. And I'm dreading all the brain dead work I have to do after lunch till 5pm.

12:00pm

Lunch

Homemade Ratatouille - 80 Calories per serve

It's an Italian stew with things like, Tomato, Zucchini, Eggplant, Onion, Mushroom, and i also added two Vegetarian Tomato Sausages. It was split over 3 plastic containers.

1:00pm

Desert

(see that dent..that was where my car keys somehow got in-bedded in my jelly)

Light Cranberry Jelly: 1/4 of a pack - 9 Calories

I held out as long as I could, I just needed something sweet after lunch.

1:40pm

Jog up 12 flights of steps - negative 53 calories

2:00pm

Black Tea #No 2 - 0 Calories

2:00pm

God damn it!

I gave in to a tablespoon of avocado with lemon.

I'm so mad why don’t I have will power?

Avocado 1 tablespoon - 40 calories

And I was doing so well.

Well my brain feels foggy and I’m feeling sleepy, I have done nearly no work today, I really have to pick up the slack and get to it.

3:30pm

Afternoon tea

Weight Watchers Fruit cup - 33 Calories

Thank god, only an hour and a half remaining in the work day.

I'm shocked at how quickly it went by.

5:15

Jogging up 12 flights of steps (again, but this time in the car park) - negative 53 calories

6:00pm

Dinner

1 Baby Carrot - 10 Calories

1 Dill Pickle - 3 Calories

1 Celery stick (cut in half) - 5 Calories

1/2 Cup air pop popcorn - 15 Calories

10 grams Weight Watchers Cottage cheese - 8 Calories

10 grams Doritos Salsa - Calories 5

Dinner - 46 Calories 

Well doesn't that just look like a little plate of heaven? 

7:00pm

After Dinner snack

1 Tub Chocolate Mousse (Nestle Soleil Diet) – 68 Calories
2 Tsp Vitarium's Naturally Sugar Free Drinking Chocolate – 4 Calories
30 Mils So Good 99% Fat Free UHT – 10 Calories

After Dinner snack - 82 Calories

Day Total - 384 Calories

So I guess that's it, I did it.
I managed to stay under 400 Calories for the entire day. This is good, on a normal day i'm sitting on about 480-550 calories.
Honestly i think it was the pressure of an audience that kept me from over eating.

You see, Anorexic people do eat and to the untrained eye it can look like we eat like normal people. But you see i have spent a long time finding foods that are under 60 calories and lunches that are under 100, It's all painful planning and calculating. 

Evan if this blog post doesn't apply to you i hope it has at least open your eyes and maybe you know someone who eats like me and i will help you to recognize an eating disorder, it could be hiding in plane sight.

Stay tuned, my next post will be about my experience on some harmless synthetic marijuana turned ugly in ways that only i know how.


Thanks for reading.
The Awkward Girl xoxo

I would like to dedicate this post to all the lovely people on Live Journal who have supported me. You are all such wonderful people who have provided me with a place I can feel safe to express my deepest fears and most intimate feelings without any judgement.

Thank you ♥♥

You know who you are

xoxo