Sunday, 5 May 2013

Pain and Loneliness

Hi Readers.

This post is going to be very personal and kind of sad.

For those people who were hoping for funny I'm sorry.

I guess i have always been a sad person but I hide it with being funny. I've found that when people stop and look at me I get a lot of comments like "what’s wrong?" "You look pale, are you sick?" or "you have really sad eyes".
Sometimes my friend comes to me and tells me that people talk to her about me after they first meet me, they always say stuff like "hey Diana your friend looks really unhappy" if its not comments about my face they just tell her they think I’m strange.
When people say i look sad i usually just say "no I’m not sad it's just my face" and that’s kind of true, I have been this way for so long that it has just become my face.

So why should i be sad?
I could give you reasons in dot point, or maybe a timeline?
I don't fucking know, just bear with me.

I guess a big reason is that I’m alone in life, i have always been alone and i have always had to be enough for myself.

I had a lot of friends in school from 4 years old to 7 years old.
Then one day all my friends abandoned me, some moved and others started to follow the new girl around.
I spent three years without any friends i would just find a corner of the school and stand there all lunch. At first i would cry but after a while i got use to my own company and lost all interest in making friends.

Then i made a few short-lived friendships, they were nice girls. One of them even convinced me to talk to the teacher when i told her my Mum held a knife to my throat and had been beating me since i was 7.
But that friend disappeared one day and made new friends and that nice young teacher that helped me and supported me died of cancer a few months later.
And like that i was alone again and my Mum and Dad were getting a divorce and i was getting pushed into therapy. (Therapy stopped when dad started to become occupied with finding a new wife and making a new family that wasn’t broken, my sister and i were the shards of a broken family, he wanted a shiny new one)

Then I met Diana when i was 12. (It will be 10 years of being best friends in July this year ♥)

So things were normal for a while. My Dad started seeing Anne and she was really nice to me and Diana, she would get us gifts and teach us about food.
But i didn’t see what she was doing to my older sister Emma because i was so young.
She would bring back a huge bag of clothes for me and nothing for her, she would be mean to her and tell lies to my dad about her.

I see now that she was pushing out the last wives kids one by one, and because Emma was 16 she went first and Emma went to live with Mum leaving me alone with my soon to be evil step mother.
And as predicted i got older she married dad and gave him two kids and things got harder living at home.

I started high school and hung around with a few friends Diana had made.
Things were kind of normal, yes there were bullies but they didn’t bother me until later.

Second year i was separated from Diana and put in a class that was populated with only the popular girls and jocks.  L
Then i had to go on a camp with them for a week. It was the most horrible time of my life and one of the longest amounts of time i went without talking.
The girls would huddle together whispering look over at me and giggle. (You know that kind of girl, unless you were one of those girls then GTFO of my Blog!)

Finally the camp was over and Dad and Anna Picked me up from school and took me into the city to have coffee with their friends.
I wanted to cry, I felt dirty and tired sad.
At the café I got my period for the first time, I was 14.
Worse week ever and Anna got me panty liners, what the hell am I suppose to do with them?

Then when I was 15 I went from an Australian size 14-16 to a size 6-8.
That was the first time people noticed me.
Popular girls would come up to me and ask how I did it, my dad kept telling me how good i looked and I got my first real boyfriend (Matt).
But it was also when the bulling got really bad;
A group of  Bogans (look it up) had targeted me because they thought i was a lesbian. Every day they wrote on my locker "lesbian" and they knocked me around or corned me in the hall.
I now have nerve damage in my shoulder from being pushed into locker metal tabs you put your lock in to.

Sometimes they vandalised my art projects and they flicked cigarettes at me (it feels like a bee sting) I didn't feel safe at school but I couldn’t go home because Anna was there and she has started to mentally abuse me.
Once she yelled at me and said "I’m not your mother and I would never want to be!"
So it’s best just to try and hide at school.
This also explains why I am very much pro gay rights, I got bullied because people thought i was gay so I can kind of imagine what it’s like for people who are gay, but its probably much worse for them.

I think during my relationship with Matt i still had feelings for Stuart (I talk about him is a previous blog) a Goth in my art and math class I had a huge crush on (we stayed friends for 6 years sometimes the line blurred but I loved him for the whole 6 years we were friends)
Matt liked to bring me down by telling me about the jocks who asked why he was with me or he would tell me about the girls at work who flirted with him. Sometimes he would tell me if I didn’t give him a hand job he would break up with me.
I was shy and not ready, I was only 15/16 years old.

A month before our formal (prom) we broke up, and a week later he started seeing a girl from his work who cheated on him after they has sex for the first time after formal (karma is a cold bitch).

During the summer break before collage he convinced me he still loved me and we hooked up, I later found out it was a trick to win a $20 bet.
(You can read more about sex with Matt in "one bad sex turns into many").

So i guess you can say i was a little unwilling to trust men after that.

When I was 18 my Dad started to bag up my things and through them in the trash.
He told me it was because I had a messy room but I don’t think that was all of it.
I didn’t do drugs, I payed rent, I had a job, I never stayed out late.
I just had a bit of a messy room, like that’s the end of the world!
He bagged up my things three times before I moved in with Diana and her family; I guess I held on for so long because I didn’t want Anna to win.

I only stayed in Tasmania a few months after that, in November Diana's family took me with them when the moved to Canberra.
This is what happened when i told my dad; "umm Dad I just wanted to tell you I’m moving to Canberra with Diana's family"
He didn’t look up from his computer and said "ok, we’ll make sure you keep in contact with us".

So that was it, and within two weeks i was moving.

I really feel like i need to quickly sum up what happened next.
I got a Job doing data entry for a month, and then i got a job working in a takeaway as a sandwich maker.
While working there i felt sad and pathetic, I didn’t know what to do so I did what I think people do when there sad; I drank.
Then August (Diana's Mum) got me a job as her assistant.
things were ok for a bit, then I became depressed again and I hid in my room and shut people out, August yelled at me a lot telling me how selfish I am and how I’m ungrateful because she had given me everything and I have given her nothing.
I felt like I wasn’t wanted.
Diana was seeing a boy and she kept coming home with bruises, so I checked her diary to see if he was abusing her; her most reactant entry was about how annoying I am because I was sad and how she wished I hadn’t moved with her and her family.
I was devastated, where was I going? What can I do now?
I couldn't go back to Tasmania, there was no place for me there, but I wasn't wanted with Diana. No one wanted me and I was alone.
So i made plans to kill myself; I was trying to get in to see a doctor to get some sleeping pills, then i  would take the day off work, take all the pills and sit in my car with a hose in the tail pipe going into my window. It would be easy.

I don’t remember what stopped me, but I know if I failed August would have yelled at me really bad.

After that my eating disorder got worse, although i didn’t really loose much more weight people started to talk and Diana told August; you wouldn’t believe the months of lecturing i got, and i couldn’t trust Diana anymore witch just made me feel more alone.
I was so unhappy. I ended up telling my sister Emma and she was supportive but i could never get a hold of her.
Diana assured me i can talk to her and she won’t tell her mum ever again, but that lasted for maybe a month and just like clockwork I got yelled at by her mum and my trust was broken.
I was alone again.

People at work really started to talk and my boss started to tell me my performance was slipping.
I told Emma things were getting bad and she told my mum, at that time August took an extra step and now HR at work is involved, and my boss thinks I’m at risk of killing myself, and my dad is about to get involved. 
August isn’t sure about telling my dad because she’s worried it will do more damage if he doesn’t care and meets my low expectations.

I don’t have an eating disorder; I have an emotional instability that is manifesting its self in anorexia like symptoms.

August and i had a long talk about the actions that needed to be taken and some reasons behind my "breakdown".
One thing I have realised is that a part of me still doesn’t believe dad abandoned me when he went and made himself happy when he was broken. Finding him a new wife and going to the pub and only meeting his needs and forgetting Emma and i because we were part of a broken family and he needed a new one.
When I’m asked about him I end up repeating things August tells me but i honestly don’t know what to think or how I feel.

So my first step is to understand what dad did, then i have to let it go.
It can take some time and in that time i have to eat more and bring up my performance at work and find a new job (my contract ends in October).

Also apparently i am pushing my loved ones away because as humans we can’t help but repeat our past.
I expect people to leave me and so I am closing myself up and pushing people away.
I feel like it’s just a matter of time till August, Diana and their family put up their hands and say "I’m sorry i just can’t anymore".

So that’s why I haven’t been on in a while (also my internet is down)  
And as i finish this my boss is in a 3 hour long meeting with other high managers talking about me.

This has been a hard day.

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled or some of the words are wrong, this was a rush job.

Talk soon The Awkward Girl