hiding behind "healthy"

Hi readers I'm back!


I know it has been a long time, (about a year I think) but don't worry because you haven't missed much.

There has been guys, work, eating issues, I made a new friend at a different and more classy strip club (Chloe), I had three new jobs, lost my licence then got it back.

So now that you are all up to date with my ever so exciting life lets get back to the topic at hand (hiding behind "healthy")

It would be one of the first signs of an eating issue; that girl at the party or a restaurant who says no a slice of birthday cake, or orders a plate of vegetables because she has an "intolerance" to something or she is a "vegan".
These people use an intolerance as an excuse to avoid a lot of "fear food"  like bread, cheese, red meat or any junk food.

And coming from someone who does this I know it works.
In-fact it works so well that now I have a real intolerance to dairy, fatty food and some heavy protean like read meat and turkey gives me cramps.

Another "healthy lifestyle" trick people hide behind is when going out drinking.
While everyone is downing Redbull and vodka or cocktails she is drinking a dry white or a vodka soda and lime; when a guy offered her a drink like a vodka squash or a screwdriver she declines and makes up some excuse about not drinking that much tonight, or a classic like "energy drinks make me feel sick" or "I find vodka raspberry too sweet".
Then when the guy walks away or her friends feel awkward and eventually give up she sighs with relief because all of those empty calories will not be worrying her tonight.
And no need to worry about thous 3am pizza slices or kebabs because everyone knows you are a vegan.

But little do they know that being a vegan doesn't mean you are living off nuts and tofu and beans and big tasty vegan gluten free vegetable burgers instead of all the stuff you cut out, really what you have done is cut the "fear higher calorie" food and not replaced it.
essentially you are living off bunny food cottage cheese and long blacks and saying "I'm a vegetarian" .

What's for dinner?
Steam vegetables with a sprinkle of lemon and egg whites....it's healthy
What's for a snack?
One whole date chopped up with half a cup of air popped pop corn. 
...you get the point.

That gluten free soy free egg free dairy free bread you love is not because it's healthy, it's really because it's the lowest calorie bread on the market.


So yeah. there wasn't really a point to this, I just wanted you to know that I know your secrete, or help you identify a eating issue in a friend.

Yours always The Awkward Girl xx

Starting over...again.

So I survived Monday and i was awake and focused all day, this is new for me, I normally don't crash it’s just a state of being for me. I just am”crashed".

I have tried eating little bits of chicken and fish and that’s helping.
I’m still under a healthy calorie amount for the day but it is better.
Eg yesterday i ate around 840 calories.

Oh yeah. I’m not supposed to be counting calories.

Breakfast:
1 small wheat pancake
1 banana (big mistake, I have never been so full)
3/4 sachet of Nescafe skim Capp
1 mini yogurt topped rice cracker

Morning tea:
2 baby carrots
1 Freddo Frog
1 pack of chicken potato stix

Lunch:
1/3 Pack of slim pasta
A tiny bit of chicken
1/3 can of diced tomato
A bunch of vegetables like onion tomato zucchini mushroom

1/2 Tub of Chobini Greek yogurt
30g mix berries

Afternoon Tea:
Jelly fruit cup

Dinner:
1 dim sum (I was hungry while cooking dinner)
 2 mini yogurt topped rice cracker
1 teaspoon light peanut butter

Finally dinner is ready:
35g tuna
1/4 onion
1/4 zucchini
1 ring capsicum
1/2 mouton bread - rice
2 mushrooms baby
1 1/2 egg whites

I will have the other half for lunch today

Dissert:
2 Fruit jelly cups
2 teaspoons sugar free drinking chocolate
Water
Dash of skim milk and skim soy

1 mini yogurt topped rice cracker
Some plain air popped popcorn
2 prunes

Wow, when I lay it out like that it looks like a lot. I really need to not snack like that at night, I’m not hungry I just get board. You Know that feel?


Today will be somewhat the same, but i had a sandwich thin with light peanut butter and only half a banana for breakfast. (Although I was still crazy full.)
No carrots today, instead i had the other half of my banana.
Swapping Greek yogurt and berries for a diet mousse, and swapping Potato stix for popcorn.
I’m having the other half of last night’s dinner for lunch, and I have a light pineapple Jelly.

I'm going to August's house for dinner, It was agreed that every two weeks i have dinner at her house and every two weeks i have dinner at Diana's place.

I’m worried I’m going to get fat but I know there are more inportant things to worry about.
My sister is coming up from Tasmania in 10 days for my birthday; i don’t think i will get too fat in that time.
What about my stripping?  Men don’t want a chunky stripper; I’m already the fat one.

Anyway, i just wanted to give you an update.
I will post something more meaningful soon. Maybe funny i hope.

OH! Before I forget, there was a guy at the strip club that booked me for a 2 song private dance, he was a bit strange.

I strip down and first thing he does is complement me on my "little boobs" because if you didn’t know I am the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Then he insisted that i dance close up to his face, I’m talking CLOSE UP. Like if i stuck out my tongue I would lick his nose;
He wanted to be near my face.
"You have such a lovely face" he kept saying.
Well I guess he was not a ass,tits or legs man. He was a face man.... because thats a thing now i guess.

Talk soon

The Awkward Girl
xoxo

Pain and Loneliness

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A day of food for an anorexic vegetarian

Hi all.

I just want to first give a big thank you to all the people who read my blog yesterday.

The amount of support and views has been overwhelming, I'm very honoured. ♥

Alright back to business.

Today i will be documenting what i eat in a day using photos.

I think it will be a big eye opener for me and to anyone else suffering with anorexia.

The idea is that i take a photo document the time and i might give a brief description on the food and how I’m feeling throughout the day

Also I better give you a little background info: I am 21 years old, I weigh 59kg and I’m a size 8 -10, and 5'3 tall.

I have had issues with eating when i was 15 -16, then i gained weight slowly after High school. By the time i was 19 and I weighed 82kg and was a size 14 -16.

Then i started to count calories and the weight just fell off.

When i was 20 - 21 I got deeper into my restricting. Although i wasn't loosening very much weight anymore I became addicted to counting calories the complements that people were giving me everyday and the smaller clothes i could now fit into. I would feel wrong if I ate over a certain number for the day.

On my 21st birthday i went out to breakfast and dinners with friends, and after i would go to the bathroom and make myself sick.

Having bacon and eggs or pasta inside me made me feel dirty.

I had been doing this sort of thing for a while on and off, Christmas is a big one, and birthdays or holidays. Really any occasion where there is a lot of food.

But I hardly purge now, I find it's better to just make sure i don’t eat over 600 calories for the day, and keep restricting.

I just have to make sure I stay away from cheese, peanut butter, nuts, chips, biscuits, cakes, or any baked goods.

You get the idea; it clearly occupies a large amount of precious space in my brain.

And if this sounds like you, you will know that 80% is will power and 20% is planning purging and lying.

So please read and reflect, and anyone who is going through this; I’m here and please stay safe, I don't want any of my readers to die. ♥

Warning. This is not a healthy diet to follow; you can not live off 600 calories in a day or under.

If you are suffering with an eating disorder in Australia you can get help at:

http://www.justaskus.org.au/browse/health-well-being/eating-disorders

7:30 am

Breakfast

½ Helga's Bread: Sandwich Thin, Mixed Grain - 50 Calories

1 teaspoon (5g) of Nuttelex: Margarines: Nuttelex, Light - 22 Calories

3 g of Cinnamon Sugar - 11 Calories

1 Sachet of Nescafe Coffees: Skim - 42 Calories 

My Breakfast - 126 Calories

I’m feeling ok this morning, although a bit sleepy but that’s because i stayed up till 11:30pm watching my blog views go from 30 to over 100 :-)

I don't think i really need to elaborate on my breakfast, but it will be the highest calorie meal I’ll eat all day today.

I'm a strong believer in eating breakfast everyday. It kick starts your metabolism and helps with weight loss.

And aside from all that nonsense I also just like coffee and cinnamon sugar on toast. :3

8:57 am

I’m starting to feel a bit hungry.

A girl in my office is starting to hum and sing to herself. It's so annoying; it feels like someone scratching at the inside of my brain, I want to go over there and tell her to shut her pie hole.

Oh that’s Just Great! Someone put pastries on the table in the tea room. Well normally i would get one and lick it out ;-) then discard it. (Like that doesn't sound familiar)

But i don’t want to take a photo of it, so I’ll hold back, someone else can have an extra 50 calories in their day.

Knowing that if I eat something and the prospect of the whole world seeing my shame is a really good way not to eat junk.

At some point between now and 9:30am. I will have

1 Baby carrot - 10 Calories

1 Stalk of celery - 4 Calories

Post Breakfast munchies - 14 Calories

I know people say celery is a negative calorie food. Well that is a lie. No food has zero or negative calories, the only thing with zero calories is water.

Even Coke Zero has like 0.5 calories.

It’s the fiber in the celery, you burn it off very quickly but it's still there.

10:00am

Black Tea #No 1 (of many) - 0 Calories

My office is freezing cold and lucky for me anything with caffeine I will just pee out in the next hour.

10:57am

Oops. I've been budging at work pretty bad, I just can’t get in the zone, and I’m so bored.

I have some snack food coming up but I don't know if I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll have the Coke and see how I’m feeling. Maybe it will give me some energy to work better.

11:00am

Coke Zero Mini Time!!

I wish it was Coke Zero time all the time.  :D

I'm not going to put in the calories of the Coke Zero because frankly my dear I don't give a damn. 

11:10am

Pre Lunch Snack

Mini Macro Air Pop Popcorn: Nacho Cheese - 60 Calories

I couldn't get the photo to flip around, but you're smart people, I think you get the idea, or you could tilt your head. 

I alternate every second day with the Mini Macro Popcorn or Potato Stix for my crunchy fix, The Potato Stix has 42 calories.

They taste like chicken potato chips but puffed and in stick form…and not chips.

11:40am

Well I did end up having the popcorn, (so yummy).

My logic was if I have it now i won't have it later.

I had a tiny boost of energy, but it's starting to go down the closer i get to lunch time.

I want the day to be over. And I'm dreading all the brain dead work I have to do after lunch till 5pm.

12:00pm

Lunch

Homemade Ratatouille - 80 Calories per serve

It's an Italian stew with things like, Tomato, Zucchini, Eggplant, Onion, Mushroom, and i also added two Vegetarian Tomato Sausages. It was split over 3 plastic containers.

1:00pm

Desert

(see that dent..that was where my car keys somehow got in-bedded in my jelly)

Light Cranberry Jelly: 1/4 of a pack - 9 Calories

I held out as long as I could, I just needed something sweet after lunch.

1:40pm

Jog up 12 flights of steps - negative 53 calories

2:00pm

Black Tea #No 2 - 0 Calories

2:00pm

God damn it!

I gave in to a tablespoon of avocado with lemon.

I'm so mad why don’t I have will power?

Avocado 1 tablespoon - 40 calories

And I was doing so well.

Well my brain feels foggy and I’m feeling sleepy, I have done nearly no work today, I really have to pick up the slack and get to it.

3:30pm

Afternoon tea

Weight Watchers Fruit cup - 33 Calories

Thank god, only an hour and a half remaining in the work day.

I'm shocked at how quickly it went by.

5:15

Jogging up 12 flights of steps (again, but this time in the car park) - negative 53 calories

6:00pm

Dinner

1 Baby Carrot - 10 Calories

1 Dill Pickle - 3 Calories

1 Celery stick (cut in half) - 5 Calories

1/2 Cup air pop popcorn - 15 Calories

10 grams Weight Watchers Cottage cheese - 8 Calories

10 grams Doritos Salsa - Calories 5

Dinner - 46 Calories 

Well doesn't that just look like a little plate of heaven? 

7:00pm

After Dinner snack

1 Tub Chocolate Mousse (Nestle Soleil Diet) – 68 Calories
2 Tsp Vitarium's Naturally Sugar Free Drinking Chocolate – 4 Calories
30 Mils So Good 99% Fat Free UHT – 10 Calories

After Dinner snack - 82 Calories

Day Total - 384 Calories

So I guess that's it, I did it.
I managed to stay under 400 Calories for the entire day. This is good, on a normal day i'm sitting on about 480-550 calories.
Honestly i think it was the pressure of an audience that kept me from over eating.

You see, Anorexic people do eat and to the untrained eye it can look like we eat like normal people. But you see i have spent a long time finding foods that are under 60 calories and lunches that are under 100, It's all painful planning and calculating. 

Evan if this blog post doesn't apply to you i hope it has at least open your eyes and maybe you know someone who eats like me and i will help you to recognize an eating disorder, it could be hiding in plane sight.

Stay tuned, my next post will be about my experience on some harmless synthetic marijuana turned ugly in ways that only i know how.


Thanks for reading.
The Awkward Girl xoxo

I would like to dedicate this post to all the lovely people on Live Journal who have supported me. You are all such wonderful people who have provided me with a place I can feel safe to express my deepest fears and most intimate feelings without any judgement.

Thank you ♥♥

You know who you are

xoxo